Ive never felt this scared about anywhere, I hate being full of so much fear.
How do I get over the fear I have, im trying to get past it by coming here.
But the fear has made me sick, along with the memories and the stress.
I can’t deal with all of this madness, it’s made my life such a mess.
Tuesday 26 January 2010
The Place
The people walk their dog’s right past it, they have their picnics not far from here,
They ride the waves just a few yards south, but this place fills me with fear.
They spend hours here on a summer’s day, enjoying the sand and the sun,
But I came here with no one else, it was dark and I was dumb.
They ride the waves just a few yards south, but this place fills me with fear.
They spend hours here on a summer’s day, enjoying the sand and the sun,
But I came here with no one else, it was dark and I was dumb.
Monday 25 January 2010
Why?
Why cant things be simple, why is each day so tough.
I don’t want to live tomorrow, when yesterday was so rough.
I don’t want to see tomorrow, ‘cause yesterday was so bad.
What if tomorrow is like it, what if its all sad?
I cant keep going on, I don’t want to keep up the fight.
The sun is setting on today, which means tomorrow is in sight.
The stupid thing is, its not tomorrow I don’t want to see.
It that – when I look in the mirror, I will still see me.
I don’t want to live tomorrow, when yesterday was so rough.
I don’t want to see tomorrow, ‘cause yesterday was so bad.
What if tomorrow is like it, what if its all sad?
I cant keep going on, I don’t want to keep up the fight.
The sun is setting on today, which means tomorrow is in sight.
The stupid thing is, its not tomorrow I don’t want to see.
It that – when I look in the mirror, I will still see me.
Whirlwind
Im in a whirlwind, spinning round and round, im trying to get out of it, but I can’t make a sound.
What the hell can I do, ‘cause something has to change, I just can’t cope anymore, do people find that strange?
I took the pills to end it, before I had said goodbye, but my body can’t keep covering, the tears it wants to cry.
Ive run out of energy, and I don’t want to fight, I hope the end is somewhere near, but for me it’s not in sight.
What the hell can I do, ‘cause something has to change, I just can’t cope anymore, do people find that strange?
I took the pills to end it, before I had said goodbye, but my body can’t keep covering, the tears it wants to cry.
Ive run out of energy, and I don’t want to fight, I hope the end is somewhere near, but for me it’s not in sight.
You!
I listened to you
Now it’s such a mess
I listened to you
And everything’s changed
I listened to you
And it all went downhill
I listened to you
But now you’re GONE!
((this was directed at the police after they closed the case & left me hanging on my own))
Now it’s such a mess
I listened to you
And everything’s changed
I listened to you
And it all went downhill
I listened to you
But now you’re GONE!
((this was directed at the police after they closed the case & left me hanging on my own))
Cant Cope
How do I explain this, how do I explain I cnt cope?
How do I explain things aren’t right, I don’t hold out any hope.
Why is it all such a mess, why did I ever listen to you?
Why am I on this dangerous path, I didn’t understand and had no clue.
How do I explain things aren’t right, I don’t hold out any hope.
Why is it all such a mess, why did I ever listen to you?
Why am I on this dangerous path, I didn’t understand and had no clue.
Explain it
I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know which words to use,
Whether I should stop or fight, are the things I have to choose.
I want to stop, ’cause the energy’s gone,
But I should fight, ‘cause stopping is wrong.
But I can’t keep up the fight,
‘Cause im so tried, I can’t see the light.
Whether I should stop or fight, are the things I have to choose.
I want to stop, ’cause the energy’s gone,
But I should fight, ‘cause stopping is wrong.
But I can’t keep up the fight,
‘Cause im so tried, I can’t see the light.
Knife Man
He came at me with the knife, and I knew he was there.
He kept walking round and round me, not passing without a stare.
What could I have done, how was I supposed to stop him?
He held onto my shoulders, with what I prayed was just a pin.
Everytime I made a mistake, he would slash my back.
I thought I was a gonner, leaving Worthing in a sack.
All he wanted was a kiss, and to touch me all over.
But I kept fighting back, waiting for it to be over.
He knows me, but I don’t know him...
How could I report it?
He kept walking round and round me, not passing without a stare.
What could I have done, how was I supposed to stop him?
He held onto my shoulders, with what I prayed was just a pin.
Everytime I made a mistake, he would slash my back.
I thought I was a gonner, leaving Worthing in a sack.
All he wanted was a kiss, and to touch me all over.
But I kept fighting back, waiting for it to be over.
He knows me, but I don’t know him...
How could I report it?
The Pain
Im just in so much pain, the tears start falling like the rain.
What is left for me to do, the pains too much and they have no clue.
The pain is sharp and hurts so much, I can’t help that it hurts to touch.
The pain tells a story I don’t want to tell, it takes me to a place that’s just like hell.
What is left for me to do, the pains too much and they have no clue.
The pain is sharp and hurts so much, I can’t help that it hurts to touch.
The pain tells a story I don’t want to tell, it takes me to a place that’s just like hell.
Tears
The tears are rolling down her cheeks, where has her strength gone?
She can’t keep going on this uphill fight, so is giving up really wrong?
It could all be over with one easy fall, but is that really fair?
Of course it is you stupid bitch, it’s only for yourself you’ve got to care.
If anyone else gets go you’re sorry, there’s no one else to fight for.
You’ve given your best for 23 painful weeks, you just can’t give anymore.
She can’t keep going on this uphill fight, so is giving up really wrong?
It could all be over with one easy fall, but is that really fair?
Of course it is you stupid bitch, it’s only for yourself you’ve got to care.
If anyone else gets go you’re sorry, there’s no one else to fight for.
You’ve given your best for 23 painful weeks, you just can’t give anymore.
Sunday 24 January 2010
Get Away
i wish i could just get away
to a place no one else knows
escape to a peaceful place
where no one else goes,
i wish i didnt have the pain
and could hide the endless tears
everything just hurts so much
& will for many more years,
how do i make things better
will the pain ever end
i just cant ask for help
it will be the police they send,
im feeling rather tired now
ive had enough of the daily fight
i cant see the point anymore
so ill make sure its put right.
to a place no one else knows
escape to a peaceful place
where no one else goes,
i wish i didnt have the pain
and could hide the endless tears
everything just hurts so much
& will for many more years,
how do i make things better
will the pain ever end
i just cant ask for help
it will be the police they send,
im feeling rather tired now
ive had enough of the daily fight
i cant see the point anymore
so ill make sure its put right.
Saturday 23 January 2010
Trust You
i Was told i could trust you, i was told everything would be okay, i was told that you'd help me, but i so badly regret that day. i Told you what happened, i told you what they did to me, i told you because they wanted me to, im just so disgusted with myself you see. How did i let them do it, how did i let them get away, how did i get it so wrong, why did they have to stop and stay?Why wasnt i brave enough, why wasnt i strong, why couldnt i fight them off, was what they did really that wrong?
Police
Your a figure of authority and a figure of trust, but now you've vanished like flipping dust.
i Trusted you even though i was scared, i mistakenly took you for someone who cared.
You took my dignity and tore it apart, i felt like a cheap and drugged up tart.
i Was the victim but felt bullied and alone, i still feel so low and to self harm im prone.
i Dont care anymore because you dont see to be there, i just want to be show that for victims you care.
i Trusted you even though i was scared, i mistakenly took you for someone who cared.
You took my dignity and tore it apart, i felt like a cheap and drugged up tart.
i Was the victim but felt bullied and alone, i still feel so low and to self harm im prone.
i Dont care anymore because you dont see to be there, i just want to be show that for victims you care.
Strength
Strength is something i havent got, strong is someone i am not.
im Getting worse im getting weak, my words are silent and i cant speak.
im Trying to fight but thy've knocked me back, in strength and energy i seem to lack.
My face is full of unspoken tears, while my body is full of untold fears.
How can i change and smile once more, on my life i want to close the door.
ive Been told i cant and i have to fight, but can they really see the pain thats in sight?
im Getting worse im getting weak, my words are silent and i cant speak.
im Trying to fight but thy've knocked me back, in strength and energy i seem to lack.
My face is full of unspoken tears, while my body is full of untold fears.
How can i change and smile once more, on my life i want to close the door.
ive Been told i cant and i have to fight, but can they really see the pain thats in sight?
Nightmare
i Thought my nightmare was over, i thought id be able to move on, ive told the police everything i know, so why hasnt the fear gone? i Feel like im headng backwards, slipping down a slippery slope, i cant do this anymore, how high do i have to hang the rope? i Was told id always be in control, but it doesnt feel like its going that way, everything has to be done here and now, im just not strong enough to face day after day.
To Dad
i Realise im not that girl any more, im not the girl that i was before.
im No longer the daughter you thought you had, i wish i could go back - honestly i do dad.
You cant look at me like you used to, nor blow me a kiss goodnight, i wish i knew how to change and make everything right.
We dont talk like we used to or mention the buy of the day thing, our whole family doesnt work anymore and thats due to the news i had to bring.
im Sorry ive broken your world and that your hurting so bad, but i dont know how to get round this, because you've made me feel so sad.
im No longer the daughter you thought you had, i wish i could go back - honestly i do dad.
You cant look at me like you used to, nor blow me a kiss goodnight, i wish i knew how to change and make everything right.
We dont talk like we used to or mention the buy of the day thing, our whole family doesnt work anymore and thats due to the news i had to bring.
im Sorry ive broken your world and that your hurting so bad, but i dont know how to get round this, because you've made me feel so sad.
All Alone
i Feel like im in the middle of a tornado, all alone, not like im tucked up in my bed, safe in my own home. The world im living in right now, has been turned upside down, i feel so utterly out of control, that i soon might drown. i Feel so in the dark, even though it happened to me, and people are passing my feelings by, they just cant seem to see. im Hurting and im fragile, im only small and weak, in the grand scheme of things, i think im going to freak!
To Them
i Dont understand, did you really care, or did you just want my body, to be left helpless and bare? Why did you do it, couldnt i just be left be, i wasnt hurting anyone, but maybe you just couldnt see. You hurt me so bad, you left a deep print, i couldnt get my body to move, i couldnt get up to run and sprint. i Hate you for what you've done, you've knocked me back so far, but i still ask the question, "why the hell didnt i go out in the car?"
A Small Tear
A small tear rolls from my eye, as my body slowly says goodbye.
its Given up and nows the time, i can no longer fight the fear from the crime.
i Cant cope with the thoughts and the visions, and i cant make any sensible decisions.
i Want to give up - i dont want to cry, but i cant help it - i just want to die.
its Given up and nows the time, i can no longer fight the fear from the crime.
i Cant cope with the thoughts and the visions, and i cant make any sensible decisions.
i Want to give up - i dont want to cry, but i cant help it - i just want to die.
OMG
Oh my god im pregnant, what the hell can i do, ive been pregnant before, but my parents had no clue. i Am pregnant this time, by a guy i dont even know, i already love this baby, little one please dont go. There is nothing i can do, to change who bought you here, your my little baby too, and to everyone ill make that clear. i Love you already baby, ill take care of you forever, you dad may have left you, but i promise i wont ever.
(i Lost this baby to miscarriage quite soon after i found out i was pregnant - the police never believed i was pregnant as i didnt get round to taking a test at the station as i had been requested to do)
(i Lost this baby to miscarriage quite soon after i found out i was pregnant - the police never believed i was pregnant as i didnt get round to taking a test at the station as i had been requested to do)
What?
What have i done other than report a crime, i tried to act all smiley and fine.
But i couldnt do it and my guard fell, and since that day ive been living in hell.
ive Lost my privacy and my best mates, so i'll shut the world out with big iron gates.
But people want more, and keep pushing me, im struggling more here than anyone can see.
But i couldnt do it and my guard fell, and since that day ive been living in hell.
ive Lost my privacy and my best mates, so i'll shut the world out with big iron gates.
But people want more, and keep pushing me, im struggling more here than anyone can see.
To PC (...) - The SOIT Officer
How im Feeling -
How can i make people see it was all my fault, the walk - the kick - the sexual assualt?
i Shouldnt have gone out - oh what a fool, why didnt i take the car and pay for fuel?
But i chose to walk along the beach, out of sight and far from reach.
i Was got and my life changed again that day, it will never go back to normal now - what more can i say?
its Happened before so i vowed to be more aware, but obviously my guard was down and i was there.
Please understand that im not coping with anything thats going on, and at the end of the day its only me - and who will notice that i have gone?
How can i make people see it was all my fault, the walk - the kick - the sexual assualt?
i Shouldnt have gone out - oh what a fool, why didnt i take the car and pay for fuel?
But i chose to walk along the beach, out of sight and far from reach.
i Was got and my life changed again that day, it will never go back to normal now - what more can i say?
its Happened before so i vowed to be more aware, but obviously my guard was down and i was there.
Please understand that im not coping with anything thats going on, and at the end of the day its only me - and who will notice that i have gone?
I Remember
When the rain begins to fall - i remember, when the sun shines bright - i remember.
i Remember what happened every single day, but its not a memory thats easy to say.
When i go to bed - i remember, when i get up in the morning - i remember.
its A memory that will live with me forever, but ill show it doesnt get to me - because im clever.
When im at work - i remember, when i see my friends - i remember.
i Want to finish my life right now, the problem is i just dont know how.
When i hear my alarm - i remember, when my phone rings - i remember.
You've ruined my life it is destroyed, it was something so small thats left such a huge void.
i Remember what happened every single day, but its not a memory thats easy to say.
When i go to bed - i remember, when i get up in the morning - i remember.
its A memory that will live with me forever, but ill show it doesnt get to me - because im clever.
When im at work - i remember, when i see my friends - i remember.
i Want to finish my life right now, the problem is i just dont know how.
When i hear my alarm - i remember, when my phone rings - i remember.
You've ruined my life it is destroyed, it was something so small thats left such a huge void.
10th December 2008
(Written The Day Before My Parents Were Told What Had Happened)
Today is the last day my family will be one, because by the end of tomorrow the deed will be done.
My parents will know and will have fallen apart, ill have ruined christmas and broken their heart.
Why couldnt this have stayed simple and them in the dark, because then i wouldnt have to leave them with a deep but invisible mark.
They will find out everything - where ive been and what ive said, and they'll make sure everyone knows and remembers till im dead.
Today is the last day my family will be one, because by the end of tomorrow the deed will be done.
My parents will know and will have fallen apart, ill have ruined christmas and broken their heart.
Why couldnt this have stayed simple and them in the dark, because then i wouldnt have to leave them with a deep but invisible mark.
They will find out everything - where ive been and what ive said, and they'll make sure everyone knows and remembers till im dead.
Failure
(Written To One Of The Officers From My Case)
A failure is how you've made me feel, will these wounds ever truely heal?
i Feel so alone and out in the cold, i obviously dont fit into the perfect mould.
ive Tried to help, but ive been no use, i think ill hang myself with this noose.
im Sorry i couldnt help more than i did, it would be much easier if i was to get rid.
ill Loose myself - maybe jump or slice, im not the perfect person - im not sweet and nice.
A failure is how you've made me feel, will these wounds ever truely heal?
i Feel so alone and out in the cold, i obviously dont fit into the perfect mould.
ive Tried to help, but ive been no use, i think ill hang myself with this noose.
im Sorry i couldnt help more than i did, it would be much easier if i was to get rid.
ill Loose myself - maybe jump or slice, im not the perfect person - im not sweet and nice.
Nine Nine Nine
i Dialled the numbers nine nine nine, i need the police to report a crime.
i Cant press the call button on the phone, ive dropped it like a brick - its bounced like a stone.
i Dont want to report it and make it all real, i want no one to know just how i feel.
i Dont feel clean i feel like dirt, it wasnt just me that these men hurt.
i Dont feel nice i feel so cheap, if only people knew - that girl fell down a slope so steep.
i Cant press the call button on the phone, ive dropped it like a brick - its bounced like a stone.
i Dont want to report it and make it all real, i want no one to know just how i feel.
i Dont feel clean i feel like dirt, it wasnt just me that these men hurt.
i Dont feel nice i feel so cheap, if only people knew - that girl fell down a slope so steep.
Report it
i want to report it but somethings stopping me, i think its the fear that then everyone might see.
everyone might see who i am inside, im just the victim of a crime who has never cried.
ive been scared many times but never shed a tear, i dont like to cry even when my bodys full of fear.
ive stayed strong and tried to smile, but that real smile is going away for a while.
ill replace it with a fake and an "im okay dont worry", but i dont think ill be back to myself in any great hurry.
everyone might see who i am inside, im just the victim of a crime who has never cried.
ive been scared many times but never shed a tear, i dont like to cry even when my bodys full of fear.
ive stayed strong and tried to smile, but that real smile is going away for a while.
ill replace it with a fake and an "im okay dont worry", but i dont think ill be back to myself in any great hurry.
Thursday Night
Their breath - their smell - their skin, their eyes their smile their grin.
i can see it all but not their face, everything just happened at such a quick pace.
Sex with one, then the other two, i've tried to scrub it off, but the dirt's stuck like glue.
i got a kick and a hand for not staying still, i guess they got their kick and a thrill.
i want to forget what happened that day, but i know i should report it - i just don't know what to say.
i can see it all but not their face, everything just happened at such a quick pace.
Sex with one, then the other two, i've tried to scrub it off, but the dirt's stuck like glue.
i got a kick and a hand for not staying still, i guess they got their kick and a thrill.
i want to forget what happened that day, but i know i should report it - i just don't know what to say.
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